


Nocturnal Musings

by PoeticEmptiness



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Female Apprentice (The Arcana), Fluff, Fluff and Angst, POV Third Person, Post-Canon, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:46:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26256616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoeticEmptiness/pseuds/PoeticEmptiness
Summary: While staying in a guesthouse in Nevivon, insecurities start to haunt Hande. She wonders if she dares to wake up Julian.
Relationships: Apprentice/Julian Devorak
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	Nocturnal Musings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soft_girl_musings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_girl_musings/gifts).



> This fic was written as a prompt requested by @soft_girl_musings.  
> Soft Sentence Starters: "You asleep?"  
> My work is also on Tumblr: https://poetic-emptiness-fanfic.tumblr.com/post/628175551306350592/you-asleep-for-the-soft-sentence-starters-3

Hande can’t sleep.

She’s in a guesthouse in Nevivon, lying in a bed and staring at the ceiling. The love of her life is lying right beside her, apparently sleeping. They have arrived to Julian’s hometown three days ago, after spending weeks at sea. Numerous thoughts are revolving in her mind; she has been a detective investigating a murder that never even happened, found out that she’s been revived after succumbing to the Red Plague, fallen in love with a person in just a couple of weeks and defeated The Devil – and these are just a tip of an iceberg. Everything feels so surreal. Hande turns to look at Julian; his auburn hair shimmers in the moonlight and his face looks so serene she could burst to tears.

How is it possible, that this beautiful, intelligent and kindhearted man has fallen for _her_ , of all people? She’s nothing special – quite boring actually if you leave out the rising from the dead bit. She hasn’t been in love with anyone before, or if she had she doesn’t remember that. Hande and Julian have even moved together over two months ago, but it all had happened so fast… She doesn’t quite get it and alongside happiness, fear haunts her mind. _Do I deserve this happiness? How long does it last before I’ll lose this?_ Anxiety rises from her chest, that hideously familiar feeling which hasn’t tormented her for quite a long time… Hande tries to calm herself – anxiety attack is the last thing she wants to have right now. _Just deep breaths… You’re alright, no one’s going to leave you… But what if Julian grows tired of me? Shit, just pull yourself together! Why can’t you just be happy?_ She doesn’t want to wake Julian who doesn’t sleep too well, but now she feels like she could explode if she didn’t confide in him about her insecurities.

”You asleep?” Hande whispers to her lover uncertainly. Although Julian is quite a light sleeper, she wishes he doesn’t wake up so she won’t ruin his good night’s sleep. Fat chance – Julian’s already squinting his eyes and turns to face her. Sleepy smile rises to his lips when he sees Hande.

”My little birdie, why are you awake?” After a little silence he grins mischievously, ”Wait… Don’t tell me you’re up for round two..?”

Hande’s cheeks begin to burn and she smiles very bashfully. Yes, they had gone all the way for the first time that evening – the memory of that still makes Hande feel giddy. She doesn’t know what to say so she just fidgets the blanket and silence becomes embarrassing. Julian stops smiling and sits up looking Hande concerned, ”My love, is something bothering you? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you…”

”No, it isn’t that… It’s quite stupid actually… I’m sorry I woke you up, I shouldn’t have done that…”

”Můj miláček, you can always wake me up if you need to talk. I can see something’s troubling you, so please, tell me what’s it.”

Hande sighs deeply – she clearly isn’t the only one who can notice when something isn’t quite right. She tries to think how to describe her feelings to Julian, ”Ummm… I… I… Am I worth it?”

”Worth of what?”

”This,” Hande whispers and gestures the bed and Julian. The man looks a little confused and looks at his lover questioningly. A sigh slips out of Hande’s mouth – she’s still afraid of confessing her insecurities. Julian notices her hesitation, then carefully places his hand on hers and smiles at her encouragingly. After seeing Julian’s face Hande finally finds her voice.

”I’m afraid… Don’t get me wrong, I love you and I trust you! I just… I really haven’t been in a relationship before, or at least I don’t remember if I have been in one… And… When I was resurrected, I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t walk, I didn’t recognize Asra who was holding me when I woke up… He needed to reteach me how to be a human again, I was dependent on him for a long time – for almost a year. I didn’t have anyone else in my life, so when Asra started to leave for his journeys I got terrified… I was left all alone, I had no one to be with or to talk to… If I dared to leave the shop alone people were staring at me and whispering behind my back, and I didn’t know why… I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere… Then I met you, and when we went to the marketplace, I felt for the first time in my life that I was part of a community. You made me feel alive and you were so kind, funny, intelligent and handsome and charismatic and loved by everyone… And still you were interested in me and you still are… I’m just a boring woman without her past and who can do some magic… And I feel like I’m deceiving you, that you think I’m something more even though I’m not! I fear that you grow tired of me and --”

Woman’s nervous rambling is interrupted when Julian presses his forefinger against her lips. When Hande stops talking, he asks her to breathe. After that Julian takes his lover into his arms and hugs her tightly. Hande feels safe and calm in his embrace and enjoys the closeness of Julian. A little later Julian starts to speak, ”I didn’t realise you’re struggling with that… I’m sorry… You always seem so brave and confident.”

”I can pretend to be those things, when I feel I have to…”

”Oh, my darling, I love you – to the moon and back,” Julian states earnestly, ”I never thought I’d find love or happiness, and even when I met you and found out that you saw something lovable in me – me, a pathetic wretch – I didn’t believe everything would turn out fine. But it did! And I feel same way about you; I still can’t believe that such a beautiful, astute, gracious and gifted magician would find me worthy of her love.”

Hande’s cheeks are burning – she still finds it hard to accept praises, even after being in a relationship with his complimenting disaster doctor, ”You’re too kind, Ilya…”

”Nonsense! It isn’t kindness if it’s the truth,” Julian leans closer to Hande and gently kisses her temple, ”I love that you have the courage to be yourself, even when you are afraid that people won’t accept you. Believe me, not everyone can do that. Besides, a wise person once told me that you don’t need to earn affection – you can just have it. And I want to give you everything I’m able to give.” After a moment, Julian pulls away from the embrace, takes Hande’s face in his hands and looks sincerely in her eyes, ”Hande, I could never grow tired of you. Jsi láska mého života.”

Hande lowers her gaze, looking sheepish, ”I’m sorry, love… Troubling you for nothing… You must find me quite annoying…”

But Julian doesn’t let Hande speak anymore – instead, he curls his fingers around the back of her neck and leans towards her until their lips meet. Surprised, Hande startles at first, but soon after she melts into his touch. After a little eternity she reluctantly draws away from the kiss.

”Seriously… You’re using _my trick_ against me?”

Julian waggles his eyebrows playfully, ”What can I say, darling? I learnt from the best! Ah, is that a smile I see? It makes my heart flutter…” Then he slowly lays down on a bed and pats a space next to him, ”Oh, my gracious Queen, would you grant me the honor of cuddling with me?”

A chuckle escapes Hande’s mouth as she complies to her lover’s request. As if a huge weight has fallen from her shoulders, Hande notices that her eyelids have begun to feel heavy. Before she drifts off to sleep, she manages to whisper four words to Julian’s ear, ”Thank you, my love.”

”Kdykoli, můj nejdražší.”


End file.
